June 2009
3 posts
dear world,
I am not dead. Please stop asking “Are you alive?” I just looked my text messages and at least 80% of all the messages I receive are some variation on this theme. I understand that there is some justification for this, but can we find some new phrase to use? Thanks.
Yours Truly,
Austen
fmylife:
Today, I was at a pond taking pictures with my new camera. I saw a mama duck leading her babies around and decided to get in closer to take a picture. Mama duck got spooked and led her babies too close to a waterfall escaping. One fell off. It never surfaced. FML
What literary figure would you take to the beach?
Best answer so far:
Seymour Glass from Perfect day for bananafish
May 2009
3 posts
an absurdly catchy song by the man who used to...
Ritz Camera
I have pneumonia. While this has some drawbacks, like coughing up blood and sweating like Val Kilmer in “Tombstone,” it also has its share of benefits. Since I can’t really work, I now have all the time in the world to sit around, sleep and eat watermelon. [Insert racist joke here]. I fell asleep a little bit earlier, and immediately had an incredibly vivid dream that I was eaten...
I ran out of warren zevon lyrics
I work now. At a boat shop. I’m a blue collar employee of corporate america. My dad told me that if I got a job he’d stop giving me shit. To prove it, tonight he refused to give me dinner after work because I declined to drive my step mother to the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra (She’s just getting home now, so thats a good 6 hour investment i avoided by going hungry).
At work, I...
April 2009
8 posts
Semi-Anonymous Chat Today
M—ly: ♥ I dont have to TRY 2 be happy anymore, it just happens. ♥
me: are you drunk and stoned at work?
Sent at 3:37 PM on Wednesday
M—ly: I luv 2 just have fun w/ my friends. I had a nose job and I love it.
M—ly: I dream of bigger things and feel Im meant for more. I think I care to much.
me: this is all going on tumblr whatever it is
Hit Somebody
Yesterday was easter. I celebrated the rebirth of my savior diligently. Too diligently, actually, since I feel like hell today. I have 8 cousins, all except one between the ages of 13 and 16. This meant that easter dinner was dominated by fart jokes, “That’s what she said” rejoinders, and talk about anything but Jesus. One of my cousins brought his girlfriend and proceeded, as...
Favorite films
Remember, favorite, not best. You can’t argue with my favorite movies:
1) Empire Strikes Back
2) English Patient
3) Children of Men
4) Braveheart
5) Fearless
6) Lebowski
7) Withnail and I
8) Royal Tbaums
9) Last Waltz
10) Heat
Honorable mentions will come later.
benny
Meet my friend, Ben. He is one of my closest friends, despite, as I have mentioned earlier, his semblance to an STD. Basically, everyone likes Ben. For no reason. In fact, those of us that have known him for years realize that we like him despite his many flaws. At the same time, ben has several positive attributes, which wind up actually making him a worse person.
Ben is good with girls. I have...
“Colon Cleaners “Exposed” - ColonCleanseBoard.com - Warning! Before...”
– what is gmail trying to tell me? And fuck you alex for sending me an email with “Colon Cleanser” in the body…
“Babies with burst blood vessels in their eyes.”
– A text I received. Incidentally, it was not from Ben. (Come back later for the profile segment I am writing on Ben, my dearest friend despite being the human equivalent to chlamydia)
As if you could quantify my tastes in a list......
I hate lists. To do lists make me think of the ruptured colon my sister suffered yesterday, and the way that blood bubbled out of her mouth, and her stomach bulged with partially digested food filling her thoracic cavity. Grocery lists simply remind me of when my dog, Edward, sneezed blood, fell over and died in our dining room. We still don’t have all the stains up. Anyways without further...
They say love conquers all, you can't start it...
Several nights ago, I was feeling romantic. Perhaps it was the incipient harbingers of spring floating through the house (other people call them allergens). Or maybe I just hadn’t heard my dad say anything too terrible recently, and I subconsciously wanted to remedy that. Anyways, as usual, dinner was a tortuous affair, a series of painful silences broken by occasional discussions of...
March 2009
23 posts
“me: is there a good time to call you?
Sent at 7:26 PM on Friday
evan is...”
– :(
walking through the streets of soho in the rain
Dear Gmail Adserver,
Please, please, please stop bombarding me with this advertisement:
Say Oops I’m Sorry - OopsImSorry.com - Apology To, Apology Due, Confession Make it better. Anonymous & Free. I get it, there are apologies due to people, and probably some confessions I should make. But since I leave Gmail open, often clicking off the ad to something, anything else, this ad always...
One of my favorite Garfieldminusgarfields that I... →
Billy Corgan, kind of →
But he blew Van Owen's body from here to...
I downloaded Stumbleupon last night. This pretty much solves my daily question of “Should I get up and turn my life around?” with a resounding “Nope.” Although, I could also just keep having the conversation that occurred between my father and I last night. In a eloquent and strident critique on racism, he imitated a racist and dropped the N-bomb. Then he did it roughly 45...
Roland aimed his Thompson gun...
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CNN knows me better than gmail.
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– even gmail gives me shit…
“On January 26, 2006, Phoenix was in a car accident in Hollywood on a winding...”
– Wiki, who else wakes up and immediately googles joaquin phoenix
“me: also, dead children we both know
like steve adams first kid, it was still...”
– Talking to my best friend…
“Vaseline® in Alaska - PrescribeTheNation.com - The Gift of Sharing Spreads...”
– My gmail ad server decided I was ripe for the picking for this one. It sounds like a bad porno about Sarah Palin…
“With expert and confident storytelling, Proyas strings together events that keep...”
– Roger Ebert in the best movie review ever, talking about the Nic Cage movie Knowing. He was literally the only person on the planet that liked it.
http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20090318/REVIEWS/903189991
“Don’t cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won’t let you see...”
– http://annapolis.craigslist.org/csr/1083253260.html
One of the stranger job postings I have read in a while…
damnit
Today, I realized that I drank too much last night. This became apparent fairly quickly upon waking, when I found myself asleep on the floor wearing 2 tshirts and nothing else. I was even more upset when I realized that I registered for the wrong online course, and as of now am taking an upper division course on the history of texas. The day continued to improve when I realized that I had bought...
“Dad: “hey austen, want me to slice you up some strawberries with some...”
“me: hello lovely
laura thain: sup
laura thain: gotta get turtle food
laura...”
Then you should have put a ring on it (him)
My dear madam,
I babysit children for a living. As we speak, there are at least 12 tiny tots lying on my lap / on my couch. My best friend is a 3 year old. I only write this so that you know that I empathize with your given age group. I can jiggle your kids up and down, we can play horsie, we can build block forts, he can even stab me in the neck with a machete. I don’t really care. My...
Grandpa pissed his pants again...
My stepmom is a moron. I’m sorry. It’s true. The other day, I drove to the airport to pick up my dad. I had to drive his van so I could carry his stuff. I had to back the van out of the garage. Having parked the van in there when I went to drop him off, I knew there was nothing behind me. So, I backed up. And heard the sound of metal dying. I cried a little bit, bit my overly large...
Wait for the double E
Hey suck it, i’m back. I have a lot of stories, just cuz i went on a self imposed exile doesnt mean you should stopped reading my urlz.
ap.
Fuck 10 k runs, lets all participate in the Tom... →
But the railroad don't run no more...
As usual, tonight we ate dinner in a spectacularly unsuccesful fashion. For once, I cooked; this effort yielded curried pork over jasmine rice. It also caused my father to accuse me of “sabotaging” our family by failing to properly deglaze the squash. At dinner, we actually spoke to eachother, discussing my father’s impending departure for a business trip. This means that my...
Play me a song to ease the pain
My sister is quite the wannabe starfucker. I find this sort of sad, since celebrities don’t often marry people with 3 legs and 1 ear. Today, she announced that she thinks that Molly G. is her best friend out of my friends. I had to inquire further about this, since she has met Molly once, for 5 seconds, while Jaina was trying to figure out why I had told all of my friends that she was...
Back to tumblr
Today, I fought a miniature pony. I lost. FML
February 2009
42 posts
When I cleaned up my diction, I had nothing left...
A recent email I received from my dear friend:
Dear Jimmy,
For the last several months, my roommate and I have been trying our hardest to ignore the dreadful screeching of what we thought was a dying stray cat outside of our apartment. Usually around nightfall, he awakens and finds a nice, cozy spot on the pavement underneath my bedroom window and begins his nightly death cries. It is difficult...
Mr. Mcdonald,
This morning, I read your Craigslist post with a mixture of irritability and butterflies, previously felt only after eating bad chinese food and kissing the girl of my dreams. When I saw that you were looking for people to install “Cubicles and Office Walls,” these butterflies soared up my throat, fluttering through my brain in a raucous delirium of trepidation and...
He's the keeper of the keys
Last night, my sister told me that she is working with high schoolers in some kind of integrated dance. She is in 7th grade. While I am all for the mixing of ages and genders, I tend to feel that this involves 12 year old girls hanging out at nursing homes, feeding elderly, non-threatening men. I do not like it when she tells me that she is “Upset, because, like, the 10th grade guys called...
I was born to rock the boat, some may sink but we...
Dear job-1046187184@craigslist.org,
Tonight, I should have been watching the Academy Awards. However, since they did not show clips of any of the Best Actor/Actress Categories, I quickly turned them off and read the craigslist job section instead. Your posting, wanting to pay an accountant $50 to interview him/her for your podcast caught my one working eye. While I am not an accountant (I lack...
When you're born to run, it's so hard to just slow...
Apparently, based on my past emails, gmail decided I fit into the sick, apologetic, loser douche demographic:
Say Oops I’m Sorry Apology To, Apology Due, Confession Make it better. Anonymous & Free.OopsImSorry.com
HALLS Cough Drops A Scratchy Throat or a Cough That Won’t Quit? Choose HALLS Today GetHalls.com
Want Your Ex Back? Get Her Back With This Proven Plan....
“Robertson later confessed to having unprotected sex in the stall with Fiennes,...”
– Wikipedia entry for Ralph Fiennes
Oh gmail, how well thee know me
Mail A Bag Of SH*T - www.bagsofshit.com - Tell em’ how you really feel! Realistic POO, fun, and anonomous. Ad from gmail
there's a train leaving nightly called when all's...
Today, I went to my new dentist mainly on my father’s reccomendation. The highly praised pacifist hygienist, George, cleaned my teeth. I found that he has abandoned pacifism and taken up the helm of the fascist party. I later discover that mmy orthodontist had put braces on me before I was done growing. So tomorrow I get to have a cavity drilled and discuss “Bite Correction.” I...
A submission from my sister
To the Brenner Family,
My name is Jaina Patterson. I am an adorable, albeit severely ill 12 year old, who reads Craigslist for fun. I thought today was going to be awful. My cane broke and my sciatica was so much worse than it’s been since the operation. But when I read your ad looking for a child to adopt into your family, I smiled for the first time in weeks. I can’t even tell you...
What should I give up for Lent?
God
Abstinence
My mother’s love
Driving at night
Pillows
Nails and screws
Car horn
Faith in the human race
v_w_ls
Football
Optimism, blind or otherwise
Not smoking
Pushing my sister’s wheelchair - except down hills
Work
Pretending that I like Catcher in the Rye
Meperidine
now I ain't naming names
To the owner of Gibson Island,
I assume, sir, that you are male. I recently read your post on Craigslist seeking a security guard to man the tollbooth on the bridge that leads to your island. Do not get me wrong. I have never actually been on your island, although I have admired the glimmering lights of your fine houses from my nearby squalid shanty which reeks of rotgut whisky and cats. I did...
F my life
My dad called as I was leaving the doctors today. He asked me to pick up broccolli from the store on my way home. I informed him that I would have to come home and pick up money from him, as my bank account would overdraft if I tried to purchase it. I am so poor I can’t afford broccolli. FML
Mr Moon
My first callback since I have been writing cover letters in our generations sense of humor
(dry, not really funny, dead pan):
sburke139@verizon.net
to me show details 6:13 PM (8 hours ago) Reply Austin, We need someone to film games mainly on tuesday and friday afternoons. You’ll need to come by and pick the video camera up in Perry Hall and go to the game site to film(all in Baltimore...