Maryland Captivity - Beautiful Swimmers

benny

Meet my friend, Ben. He is one of my closest friends, despite, as I have mentioned earlier, his semblance to an STD. Basically, everyone likes Ben. For no reason. In fact, those of us that have known him for years realize that we like him despite his many flaws. At the same time, ben has several positive attributes, which wind up actually making him a worse person.

Ben is good with girls. I have learned this personally, as every girl I have ever fallen in love with has wound up sleeping with… Ben. He has some kind of charisma, mixed with the kind of sociopathy necessary to listen to his best friend describe his crush while thinking “Hmmm… I should totally do this girl.”

Ben will always make plans to hang out with you. The problem is, he never follows through. This is because he quadruple books himself on any given night. This ends with ben sitting at his house, since he is too anxious to go out, and me sitting at mine. Then I call him. Which leads me to…

Ben always answers his phone. Not really, but he is fairly easy to get in touch with. The problem is, if you call him you have to be willing to discuss AIDS, feces, and Ben. Not necessarily in that order. But still, if you have a genuine complaint, then something like the following conversation ensues:

me: Oh man, I broke my leg today because I fell off a roof.

ben: I’m shitting.

Basically, ben has all the positive attributes of a human crap maggot. At the same time, I can’t help but love him. I hate him for this a little, just like his parents. Anyways, that’s ben, my best friend.